Withering on the Grapevine

Our friend Arthur Wankspittle contributed the following on our favorite matriarch:

Have you noticed the changes at WhingeCountyContentless recently? Yes, ever since someone did a bit of net research and found one of Carol’s previous addresses, the place has had a security clampdown like a North Korean newspaper reporting a national disaster.

One of the few reasons for visiting WhingeCountyContentless was to see how inane, sycophantic and bland your comments had to be to get past moderation. You have to suspect that the hundreds of moderated comments that didn’t make it were much better reading than the handful that were allowed through; plus they were probably better written. Now all that is left is the doleful ramblings of the second-in-command of Stalag Maxwohlauf. All there is to look forward to is the wishful, covetousness of local real estate, which no one in their right mind would touch in the current market anyway, and the start of the soccer season with its paranoid, agoraphobic, “I don’t really want to be here” reluctant soccer mum postings.

But wait. There’s something new on the net and it’s a new business venture. Or is it? Is this just a revised Temecula Gifts? Is someone in need of a bit of re-branding? Did someone need to lose the “Temecula” part as it is too localised for the world market they are going to compete in?Now you’ve checked out the links you can see that anyone needing a bright and breezy read can head for Grapevine Promotions’ little blogspot. See if you can tell from the style who is the “friendly staff”.

One question though, if you were launching (re-launching?) a web based business, wouldn’t you want the website working first? Currently http://www.grapevinepromos.com/ is showing a message including “If you are the owner of this web site you have not uploaded (or incorrectly uploaded) your web site.” If you need some technical help, there’s this kid in Sacramento who needs some work.

So, who didn’t get the website working such that it necessitated setting up a blogspot blog and “running” the business through it for a few weeks? Why? What’s wrong with an Ebay store?

New tard needs a name

So there's the guy who I've been following on the sidelines a bit - quite honestly I have been preoccupied with some other things. And although I offer REPEATEDLY, no intrepid haterz wish to take this place over.

At the request of WeWantTheFunk, here's a post about this new tard who is currently nameless (more on that below). He's got two places on the web. The first is Truckhouse. The second is 7:21pm - the latter, IMHO, is far more amusing.

He needs a name. Names submitted so far include:

• TruckTard
• MargariTard
• WasteTard
• TurtleTard

Put the name you want in the comments; I'll check back in a week or 10 days, submit the results to Nacho and have him make a decision on this.

Oh how vulgar!

What lawnmowerman said today about MomTard:

Today's post is just crying out for a "fuck fuck fuckety fuck fuck" link from nuttynetters.

And indeed it is worthy of a fuck fuck fuckety fuck link from here.

Enough vulgarity for you? If not, please add some in the comments.

Well, knock me over with a feather

HickTard had an epiphany!

I was surprised to discover that my wife's feelings regarding her approach
to spending was based more on security for the family than in vanity.

WTF?

You can bet that if I was his spouse, I'd be leaving him QLB*. Saving money = vanity.

Haterz, I am being hit with comment overload and I don't know where to start. I'll leave it to you to deal with this one.



*Quick Like Bunny

Don't be a HickTard.

Spring has sprung.
The grass has riz.
I wonder where,
The flowers is.
The bird is on the wing.
Ain't that absurd?
I always thought,
The wing was on the bird!

Of course, if you're HickTard, you're busy preparing your lawn for spring.

And after you're done aerating, top dressing, weeding and removing thatch, you're ready for the first mow of the year! But woe! Your ride around lawnmower is broken and you're going to have to PAY someone to pick it up, fix it and drop it off again! Minimum, $50.

wtf puts it in perspective with this comment:

Spending a $100 or so every few years to keep your mower in working order is money well spent.

I think this explains a lot about why the cars keep breaking down too. You do preventative maintance (oil changes, tune ups, etc) in order to keep it in working order. If you're too cheap for the preventative maintenance, you're going to pay more in the long run.

I think it also explains a lot about his relationship with his wife. He's so fixated on paying down debt in the short term, that he doesn't think about anything else in the long term. Or in the present for that matter.

Spend the money to maintain your stuff. Don't be a HickTard.

Moving day!

Soon! But not now!

And not for me. Gosh, you don't think I'd honestly talk about myself all the time do you? But if you're looking for that, MomTard is moving! Soon, but not now, she will be over here.

Let's give her a housewarming present: some traffic from the link over there on the right: Whine Country Chronicles.

I have the answer!

Thanks to Orson Buggy, we now know why MomTard has so many kids, although she seems to despise them:

Self-conscious: not her fault

Parte the Firste: MomTard

Woe, be unto you who should see MomTard at her kid's (kids'?) soccer game(s):

The other parents probably were whispering, "She must be that mother with seven children. No wonder she looks so bad." It really isn't fair to blame my uglies on the kids.

It sounds to me like she does blame her "uglies" on the kids. Of course, that's not fair.

It also sounds like what unbelievable says in a comment:

Sometimes I fix my hair & wear makeup but more often than not I don't. I can honestly say that I don't feel self-conscious either way. Just so you know, the majority of *normal* GROWNUP people don't either.

It's a shame that your self esteem is so low, maybe some counseling would help!

Of course, MomTard comes back and says she doesn't care about what other people think. After all, that entire post was about

how people feel self-conscious when no one else is paying attention

Riiiiiiiight.

So if we combine her first statement on how having to deal with the kids makes it difficult for her to face the world, and her second statement about how people feel self-conscious that leads us to this: MomTard is saying its her kids' fault that she feels self-conscious about her appearance.

Last I checked, it was MomTard who was in control of her feelings - not anyone else.

Woo! We're Number 1! and Two!

As of today, Nutty Net Knowitalls is google hit number one for "Momtard"

And google hit number two for "Hicktard"

Well done!

Now, what's the prize? Anyone?

Damn blogger

I had a big long post done and then blogger ate it. ] That post is now below this one.

The short version

Read these posts from HickTard

• HickTard talks about retirement. He should think about becoming a Wal-Mart greeter because they'll take anyone.
• How to fix your life problems using application development techniques. He should write a book.
• Wives are expensive. How dare she want to actually spend time with him. The absolute gall.
• I don't want to be like Uncle Bubba. But lets not worry about the kids; they can handle it.

Now, comment.

And to any intrepid haterz out there, I seem to recall a post or a comment from HickTard about one of his coworkers discovering his blog. Provide the link if you can find it. I think he might be up for a doocing.

Relatives, Relationships and Retirement, OH MY!

Well, would you look at that. Here's the post I thought blogger ate.

How's that for the 3 R's? Readin', rightin' and 'rithmitic.



So because we haven't visited with HickTard lately, I thought that a bit of an extended post might be in order. Grab a BEvERage, pull up a seat and snark away.



Back on March 24, HickTard posted about what happens when people get old and refuse to die. Says the Tard 'o the Hick:

After our conversation all I could think about was what I could to avoid a similar situation with my parents since they are getting older. Additionally, what I could do to avoid a similar problem for my wife and I

Apparently, his kids don't factor into this AT ALL. Remember, he's the one who had his kids contributing to their debt reduction (if some intrepid hater could provide that link in a comment, I'd be ever so grateful because let's face it - I'm a bit lazy).



On March 27, he pissed off his wife:

She really let me have it, "I'm sick and tired of us not doing anything together! Every time we do anything it's always with the kids. Why can't we do things alone or with other couples?" It went on like this for almost 40 minutes. Then, I put my foot in my mouth. With absolutely no idea of how I would do it, I promised her that every Saturday afternoon I would make it a point to spend time with her alone and take her somewhere.

Oh heavens to mursey! This is a problem, because going out means spending money you know:

Now, I’m stuck with trying to find a way to keep my word and avoid spending too much money.HELP!!!!

In fact, this sounds a whole lot like someone else a lot of us here know. The original FlipTard, the poster boy for the real estate bubble, etc., also had a lot of problems with his wife.



As for HickTard, god forbid you and your wife should go for a walk and have a picnic (hey! you could use food that's already in the fridge! But watch out for spoiled mayo). Its not all Jamba Juice and Macaroni Grill you know.



Also, did you know that you can address life's problems by using application development techniques? Perhaps he should publish a book on this, just like another person most of us know here was going to publish a book so people could learn from his failures.



And finally, retirement. The dream of every hard-working person who plans ahead. Except for HickTard:

But, baring [sic] any major physical disabilities I will try to perform some
kind of work until I die.

That's nice. I hear Wal-mart is always looking for greeters. And they'll usually hire you even if you have "physical disabilities".



(And as with the last post, a reminder to click through to his blog from here)

Mission: Improve MomTard's Traffic

So MomTard says the following:

When I first created this blog, it was all about the traffic.

And then she goes on to talk about various other boards, sites and blogs that mention her.

In fact, I would invite Subcranium over at SDCIA to come and post here! He (or she? its so hard to tell without a picture) links it to our antihero, the one and only Casey Serin:

Meh. I poked around the site. Mostly boring.

I think I prefer the spoofs, when they are very well written (like the Sally Heatherton Realtor blog), because they leave me grinning at the wit. It makes me think that there are some smart people out in the world (somewhere).

When I read one of these, I tend to get depressed because it reminds me how dumb people are. Like when you see a story that says more British kids think Sherlock Holmes was a real person than think Winston Churchill was a real person.

Being confessional about having been dumb is the new black. It's almost like we encourage people to be idiots so that they can later expose their own follies on Oprah. Confessional blogging leaves me, mostly, sad.

The exception, of course, was Casey Serin, because he was like a cartoon character come alive. Casey Serin, the real-life Daffy Duck from Uzbekistan.

But woe! Oh WOE! She neglected to mention the nuttynetter blog! I am hurt! Devastated! And yet, I feel a need to help her with her traffic issues. I guess that's just the giver in me.

And so, I invite you, haterz and snarkerz, to click through to Whine Country Real Estate, written by none other than Carol from Temecula! Give her some link love.

More Snark from Arthur

My friend (the same one we traveled with--yes, the couple still talks to us after spending four days straight attached to our hips) told me about a commercial he heard on the radio for the "Blog and Grow Rich" program. I haven't had the pleasure of experiencing it yet, but I assume it has something to do with Casey Serin from “Iamfacingforeclosure.com”

Regardless of who is behind the commercial, how big is your ego when you think that you can sell a big load of poop to average people like me? Do you really think that anyone reading a blog will believe you when you tell them your everyday tales that they would be interested, buy stuff advertised on it, subscribe to it, then turn around and sell it right away, and make lots of money in this market? Puhleeeze!

So, I might find a blog like this to flip--with a nonexistent content:

Let's say that I worked 100 hours (over the course of two-three months) installing everything (not counting any permits that I might need), and spent only $15,000 because I did it myself on the cheap. Am I supposed to sell it quickly when it's done? By then it would be worth the market value at the time that it was purchased. But, when it's finally ready, blogs, most likely, will have declined even more. So I'd be stuck with something that I threw money into, but can't sell. After you factor in the effort and people you’ve alienated, there's fat chance that I'd recoup my investment, much less make a profit.

It's unfortunate that those who have touted "flipping" blogs in the past have not changed their "investing" model in order to stay current with the market. That's what most successful business people would do. It's almost like they want to pretend that their way has always been, and always will be, the most profitable.

You may blog in a standard provider and have noticed that a blog has been for sale for two years, with regular price reductions. You've also noticed an inordinate amount of "For Sale" signs on every blog. Are you going to say, "Hey, it looks like that blog is a really good deal. I could buy it and then turn around and sell it again for a profit that will cover all of my costs of acquiring and disposing of the blog, and then some"? No, it goes against every grain of common sense that you possess. So, why are they trying to sell us on this now? There must be someone out there who thinks that this is a good time to flip blogs which are declining in value as we speak.

I'm not familiar with Casey Serin, so I did a teeny bit of research. It seems that he has a mentoring program along with a book. I did a quick search on the site of the Better Business Bureau and nothing.

Now, we can say that 2759 Haterz in the last three years is no big deal considering the volume of customers they must have. But then I stumbled upon this site. Don't let the April, 2007, date turn you off. Comments are being posted all the time and there are some for the past day or so. All of this took me five minutes to find. So, if you're ever tempted by a slick radio or TV ad, do some research before you fork over your dough. The money for an unrealistic blog is the least you'll lose. If you follow the advice of some of these "gurus" you may just lose as much kudos as I did in blogging (and I didn't even have to buy a program to do it.) Damn I forgot my strikethough gag this post.

This Cannot End Well...

...but its good snarking material!

Courtesy soemdood:

OMFG.Just one specific rehab task (some plumbing) and the quote sucks up
over 6% of the house's total value? Then he low balls them based on some
'sweat
equity' of his own, so we will see how that turns out...

http://www.flipthyhouse.com/2008/02/03/almosttothefinishline/

Particularly when one looks at this more recent post: http://www.flipthyhouse.com/2008/03/12/updates-regress-and-a-little-progress/

And this quote is priceless; he should hope his employer doesn't discover this:

Longer update tomorrow, when I’m at the day job and have time for such stuff.

Lawnmowerman Guest Post: MomTard Family Vacation

Our favorite MomTard-on-the-edge-of-a-mental-breakdown took another disastrous vacation last weekend; the usual misadventures, whinging and thinly-veiled resentment of her overstuffed family ensue.

What we wonder, though, is what the friends who were kind enough to invite her thought of the experience; and what they thought of MomTard's ungracious footstamping on her return. Our super sekret operatives received this anonymous message:

We thought it'd be fun to invite Carol and her family for a weekend break with
us. Never again.

First, Carol insists on a cabin rather than camping.

Carol decides a 15-seat van is big enough, but then fills it to the rafters with her manic overpacking of snow gear that she'll never use. Carol spots a few ants in the cabin, throws a huge shit-fit, and forces us all to pack up and move.

Carol mopes at the bottom of the ski-run with her much-resented baby while her loser husband fails to snowboard. Carol spoils a hike with her incessant whining about the unused snow gear. Carol's overpacking breaks the car. Her huge brood requires restroom breaks every half hour. And her hellspawn baby screams the whole way home.

"It was so peaceful in the park", my ass.

And then when we get home Carol thanks us by writing a huge blog post about how
crappy the vacation was.

Screw you, Carol. Next time we're vacationing alone.

Enjoy the fucking laundry.

Hicktard Update - with opinion

From our very own lawnmowerman (because I am currently in the Windy City - and yes, it is windy. All these skyscrapers make for a lot of wind tunnels):

HickTard replaces a car; but not the crappy Metro that left him stranded at the office, oh, no; rather, his wife's clapped-out Escort.

HickTard buys a Tercel from a fellow church member.

HickTard's emergency fund is, yet again, depleted to zero.

It seems to me that HickTard has a car-related "emergency" every two months or so. Maybe I'm using an overly-strict definition, but I would say an emergency that happens that frequently isn't actually an emergency; it's an expense which can and should be anticipated. And yes, look: missing from HickTard's zero based budget is a line for "car maintenance/repairs". Maybe this is because his budgets all seem to be month-by-month affairs. He's focused on the now and has no visibility of the bigger picture; expenses which happen only sporadically are a perpetual surprise and source of his beloved drama.

BossTard

Akubi's Ogg's already done this one - over here.

Via Email: MatronTard or CFP_Tard

New stick poking target! Goes by name of MatronTard! See the links below for more information! Clicky clicky!

• http://lifedirections-30dc.blogspot.com/
• http://debtfreeorbust.com/

At least she knows what her VOCATION is:

My Vocation
I’ve finally figured out what my vocation is: I help people fight for economic and social justice to better their lives by assisting them to remove those barriers to their success.

I think the following guest post by Arthur, below, says a lot of what we're all thinking.
______________________________________________________________

Got to go for CFP®Tard !
Cut and paste of my criticisms below:

"They (FIA) already sued me and obtained a judgment against me in another state"

You move from state to state to avoid your debts?

This woman seems to spend all her time re-jigging her snowball debt figures and not doing anything about it (sound familiar to Haterz?). Surely if she sat down and did the figures once, then, apart from some minor adjustments every now and then, there would be a plan in place that she was working to?

Still, reading further we find:

"So, with $3,700 in living expenses and $2,732 in debt payments, I need to
bring in $6,432 after taxes. That means about $8,362 gross income per month.
Wow. I've never made that much before.....

And that was 12/22/07. January 08 only went down because of debts being sold and some interest and fees were dropped. February 08 went up by $5037.

I love working with students and seeing the light bulbs go on when they finally understand a difficult concept.

Like compound interest?

..... She is a member of the Financial Planning
Association,....Currently, Sherri is fulfilling the education and experience
requirements necessary to achieve status as a Certified Financial Planner
professional. She is enrolled at Kaplan University in the Certificate in
Financial Planning program, a Certified Financial Planner Board of Standards
registered program (authorization to use the highly regarded CFP® mark of
distinction is conferred by the Certified Financial Planner Board of
Standards).....

Do they do any diligence checks? This woman can't organise her own debt snowball correctly; has, or is facing, judgements in two states for debt; and has admitted that to service her current debt levels, she needs to bring in more money than she has ever earned.


Regards

"Arthur"

What to do when your car refuses to start

Aren't you snarky haterz lucky? You get TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY.

So this is the situation: you leave work in deathly cold weather, and your car will not start. Your car service company (e.g. - AAA), can't get it started either. So you call your wife to see if she can pick you up; and she tells you to call a relative or take a cab. And this is the logic that follows:

She asked me, "... why don't you just call your sister, cousin or just call a taxi?" After spending years defending driving used economic cars to most of my family members this was not an option and a taxi would easily cost me over sixty dollars for the distance I needed to go.

So, what do you do? Answer in the poll over there on the right.

Poll results and a new tard!

It seems the name "Hicktard" has won! Congrats skittlebrau for suggesting it!

Now we need a prize. Suggestions?

Now the second part which is the reason I know you're all reading this: a new tard to poke with our hater sticks.

iamfacinganap suggests this MultiTard who is an unschooler. For the uninitiated, here's an excerpt from wikipedia's entry on unschooling:

Although unschooling students may choose to make use of teachers or curricula, they are ultimately in control of their own education. Students choose how, when, why, and what they pursue. Parents who unschool their children act as "facilitators," providing a wide range of resources, helping their children access, navigate, and make sense of the world, and aiding them in making and implementing goals and plans for both the distant and immediate future. Unschooling expands from children's natural curiosity as an extension of their interests, concerns, needs, goals, and plans.

As iamfacinganap says:

This new nutty netter candidate has elements of all our favourite tards rolled into one. Lazy homeschooler uses the law of attraction to manifest wacky adventures for her sheltered brood. In Sadies Wonderful Manifestation Staci unschools her oldest child into a scam.

So. Go. Read. Snark. As always, if you want to make a post for this blog (because I will be swamped for the next couple of weeks go ahead and put it in an email to nuttynetter.nuttynets@blogger.com.

Gratitude!

Here.

Although I can put it as well as NameForthcomingTard can:

Within one year we've gone from, "...how in the world can we ever pay off this much debt?" to "...how much longer will it take for us to pay off the remainder of this debt?” which for us was a huge improvement.

(do you think he even knows about this place?)

And exercise your right to snark! Leave a comment on this post.

Its Voting Day! Exercise your right to snark!

You've submitted the nicknames, and now you get to vote! The poll is over there on the right. Closes in one week so vote for your favourite! The one that will change your life completely!

Think of it like voting for a new president, but different.

Yes, we CAN give him a new nickname.

(and yeah, I'm going to hell. I'll be sure to have the margaritas going for all of you haterz and snarkerz).

Oh poo!

Before we get down to business, remember to submit your nickname for this guy. We've only got a couple so far, and if you don't submit more, I won't need Nacho's help. And then he'll get mad. And trust me, you DO NOT WANT Nacho mad at you. He won't go after you personally, but he will send his trusted catservant after you - and she is NOT to be messed with.

(Benoit, I could use a photoshop here).

Submit your nickname in the comments on the previous post. Just for shits'ngiggles, he's got a new post up today. There's even some good old fashioned thumping going on in there. I recommend a BEvERage of your choice.

Technically you have until midnight Pacific Time, but I'll accept late entries as I have a looser meeting tomorrow night and won't be able to look into it until then.

Oh and the reason Nacho's Catservant gets to help is because she coined the term "MomTard"

Speaking of MomTard (did you like that segue? I thought it was quite clever), she also has a new post up today! Which is great, because teh interweb knows that we just don't hear enough from her!

To put a long story short, she was going to put that nasty sanitizer on her child's ass but she forgot it at home. In the snarky wise words of Aestival:

Oh my God! No hand sanitizer! How could she have forgotten! (Seriously, this woman is psychotic about the sanitizer). Plus, someone ought to tell Momtard that sanitizer would probably hurt the delicate bum of a toddler, because I'd assume in that situation she'd douse not only her hands but the baby's rear end, too, just to be safe.

And then further snark wisdom from modestogirl and lawnmowerman:

MG: Who goes to visit their son at college and drags along their kid who has the hot squats? That's just cruel.

LMM: I suspect MomTard always takes the entire family with her wherever she goes. That way she can lavish care and affection and sanitizer on all of them all the time without anyone being left out. (I suspect also it burns her that son is away at college and no longer under the parental eyes. OMG he might be having SEX -- and imagine the GERMS! This is, I believe, the same son that is scheduled to move in back home, sharing a room with his brother, upon graduating...)

OMG. TEH SEX. And you thought the shortage of mindbleach was bad. What about the upcoming shortage of hand sanitizer?????

Contest Announcement!

Submitted by Sheila via email:

this guy is a hick with 6 kids who screws up his income taxes, illegally collects unemployment and wonders why he is broke, he not nuts but is a raging dumbass http://needtobedebtfree.blogspot.com/ you need to read a few pages back for some real gems

I figure, this guy needs a name. We have MomTard and PopTard has been given to her long-suffering loving husband. And what better way to get the juices flowing than a contest!

Ogg has already won the murst contest so you're out on that one. But you can win this one! And there might be prizes. Maybe. If you're good little haterz and snarkerz. And if anyone has any ideas for prizes.

How to participate:

One: go read the blog. I recommend some sort of BEvERage for when you do (unless you don't drink for whatever reason, then a nap might be in order afterwards)

Two: submit your suggested nickname and why it should be that in a comment. Deadline is one week today at midnight pacific time.

Yes, its that easy.

Submissions will be presented to a panel (me and Nacho the Cat - if he has time from his plans of world domination; if not, perhaps his catservant, T, can do it) for shortlisting. Following that, there will be a poll to vote on the name.

And if you don't want to submit a name and just want to snark, go ahead.

Ask MomTard

There are a goodly number of questions people want to ask MomTard. I, myself, posted one to her blog in the hopes that she would answer it. Sadly, it hasn't made its way through comment moderation onto her site.

On her Don't Leave Home Without It post, MomTard tells us about all the crap Useful Things she carries around in her purse, including superglue. At some point I either saw a movie or read somewhere that in Antartica, doctors use superglue to glue the edges of cuts together or they won't heal properly - something about the atmospheric pressure weirdness down there. So I asked her if she had ever used the superglue that she carries around in her craphole purse to glue the edges of a cut together.

Sadly, she has not answered. Or she will steal my idea. Or, because she is infatuated with germs, she will not answer my question because It Is Digusting To Put That Stuff On Your Hands Or Any Other Body Part.

In light of the fact that questions don't seem to be getting through, this post is for you to leave your questions for MomTard.

Let's start with this one, courtesy of The Dude:

Couple of questions I'd like to ask MomTard: About the germs and the kids:
With my first one I freaked every time he stuck something in his mouth....thinking he's going to get some rare jungle disease. HOWEVER, after a while I figured out they are tougher than they look. The second one chewed on keys and stuff like that and was just fine. After SEVEN, wouldn't you think she would have figured that out?

About other germs: How did she get pregnant SEVEN times if it meant getting pretty close to PopTard's one-eyed trouser snake? Did she sanitize it, or something? Wouldn't that be a pretty good spermicide.

Leave your questions for MomTard in the comments.

You know there had to be something about UFOs to make it on here

Props to Akubi for this one.

Snarkers and haterz, may I introduce you to the Prophet Yaweh? He'll teach you how to summon UFOs.

No really!

There are no videos to prove this, of course, since he just got his camcorder back from the pawn shop.

Things you wanted to know but were afraid to ask

Like: What is this place about?

Ever notice how many Stupid People™ create blogs and web sites and share their idiotic points of view? This blog will be dedicated to those bloggers who should just shut the hell up and get off the internet. The blogs spotlighted on Nutty Net Knowitalls serve as a kind of testament to humankind's eternal ego, stupidity, and folly. A kind of microcosm in themselves.

Today's winner is one we like to call MomTard because she qualifies for the Casey Serin Award for Stupidity™.

Comments and site links welcome